On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Couch. On fire.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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