I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
