I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
