Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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