Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
