I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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