you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've blown a few things in my day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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