My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just high enough for therapy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize