Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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