Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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