I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
