M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize