she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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