I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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