Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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