I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
