I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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