Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
