onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
