can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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