I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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