does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
