I'm so fucking centered right now
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
