You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
