no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
