i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
