Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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