I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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