Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize