A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
