I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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