OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
