My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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