im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
