you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
