I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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