and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dick very happy bro
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize