Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
