My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Two words: nipple clamps
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