Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
