She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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