hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How external is "for external use only"?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
