Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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