is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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