I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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