I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
