woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
