:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i out mim tonsoeep
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