If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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