I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
