xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
be right there i have to get my cape
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
