I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
