Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
