The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
