the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
