Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sorry my hands just texted you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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