i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Damn victory sex feels great
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
